January 16, 2023

In a candid blog post Maria, from our Step Forward Into Volunteering and Employment programme, talks about her own Severe Mental Health Experiences (SMHE).

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6 months on.

I began my steps forward a long time before I began working in my current role as Referral Co-Ordinator and Administration Officer. I believed, due to my mental health, I was no longer worth anything, especially in a work environment but more generally as a person. I was a Daughter, Sister, Wife, Mother, Granddaughter, Niece, Cousin, Daughter in law, Sister in law. I was a lot of labels, but I was of no use to anyone, or so I thought.

In 2020 I had slowly begun to do some volunteering with Cumbria CVS towards the end of my weekly treatment as recommended and encouraged by my therapist. As the volunteering progressed my therapy was handed over from practitioner to patient. I was left to go it alone, that was how it all felt at the time. Alone, and although I had tools, medication and a little more belief in my future it was still a case of time is up; this is where we say goodbye.

For as long as I can remember I felt out of place, out of control. I had mastered the art of being me, of being able to act like I felt I had to act to suit various situations. Everyone struggles during childhood and the teenage years, it was allowed and accepted but then teenage years came and went, and I was still out of control. I had however started my working life, a role within something. A role I worked hard at, dedicated more than my working hours to, it was my life. This continued for years, and it was only upon losing my job due to ill health that I realised how important it was. How much I had taken for granted. It was an unknown world for me, I had once again lost my identity, lost the thing that made me useful.

Over time it became everything to me, yet the more I focused on how hopeless things were without a job, the worse I became. It was a circle and at my worst the only way to smash the circle into lots of pieces was to no longer exist. That way I would be free, energised and useful again. As my mental health deteriorated so did my physical health which further limited my ability to work.

Reflecting now I can understand why I no longer wanted to keep going. It was hopeless, I was hopeless…were the all-consuming thoughts that I wrestled with daily.

It became clear early on that my main focus was work. My whole life had been geared to that way of thinking. It was more than me being ambitious and hard working, it was a lifeline, I clung to routine and what was familiar to me, it was my identity, my purpose. During a difficult time in treatment the topic of work came up again and again. Once I had worked hard and began rebuilding me as the person I am – not the person I think I should be or the person I want to be, just me – Maria.

It was suggested that I begin to think about volunteering, it would be flexible, without the pressure of failing at the first hurdle, it would be something to motivate and inspire me, at no point did I ever believe I had anything to actually give. I thought the health conditions that affect me physically and mentally restricted me from accessing volunteering, I was yet to be introduced to the wonderful world of digital volunteering.

It has taken me years and the support of people around me to get to this point here, the point where I am today… I’m sat in my home office (well dining room) on my computer smiling that I made it!!!

During my time working with Cumbria CVS as part of the Step Forward team I say over and over that I am only here because I was given the time, the understanding and the personalised 1-1 support I needed. Everyday I am grateful that people saw beyond the person that my health had left me feeling, being and believing. They saw a confidence which I did not know I had; they saw talents I definitely didn’t know I had (still not sold on these points to be honest).

People gave me the time and support to make mistakes and to learn from them. It has not been easy, or fast, but it has been worth every hurdle, and every minute. I never thought I would work again and from volunteering through to paid employment my life has changed a huge amount, when I think back to a few years ago, even a few months ago, I am a different person, I am still me – but a real me with a purpose for being here.

I will be forever grateful for the support, the time and the understanding I have been given, and continue to receive every day; not only in my working life and role within the Step Forward team but for the support away from the office, just there in the background. Holding my hand when I need it, being my practice audience and general listening person, they can spot and pull out the good stuff but never tell me to forget the noise surrounding the good stuff, even my most chaotic, mixed up, busy ramblings – my brain dumps – are listened to.

The support is also there pushing me to take opportunities when I need to be told and not asked to do something way out of my comfort zone, but always without any expectation to say yes. Never have I felt forced to do anything while at work, I continue to add little achievements as I progress but behind them all is the support I get, pushing me forward.

I definitely am not a better me, that is not what my aim is, I am perfectly imperfect. I really do believe everyone can do something. It may not be what they had imagined but one thing is for sure, I never thought I would be here a few years ago at all, never mind here working, encouraging and supporting other people.

I send this message to everyone whether looking to give support, receive support or to simply educate yourself and grow personally. What goes on in your body and mind is irrelevant because with time and the right support all that is really important is what you do with what you have got and are able to do. The name of a condition, a diagnosis is for medical records, is nothing more than that. It should not be used as a reason to feel excluded from volunteering, training or employment. Yes, adjustments are sometimes needed, but this should not be a reason to stop someone from giving, doing, being and achieving.

With all of my Maria-ness comes some challenges but my team work with me and make me a better person every day. With every email and opportunity, I grow in confidence; I’m not fixed, I have a number of health conditions that have an effect on my daily living and yes, it is hard and yes, I can be difficult to accommodate; but what I am not is useless.

 

If my story relates to you and you would like to know more about how the Step Forward into Volunteering and Employment project in North Cumbria could help you, please get in touch with us. It will be your first step forward and we can support you on the many more you will take.

Whether you are looking to volunteer with us or you would like us to support you or someone you know visit our webpage or send us an email stepforward@cumbriacvs.org.uk Alternatively, you can call Cumbria CVS on 01768 800350.

In the meantime, if you need more immediate support, please visit https://wcmhp.org.uk/index.php/crisis/ to see some of the external services that may help.